SleepingPoliceman

Goatees win championships.

Thank you, Red Sox. What a year. Let the Papelbon dancing begin…

Let’s.

Do.

This.

Remain switched on. Comeback kid, bring it back home. Roll on, roll on…

Don’t look now…but we’re halfway there. Keep it rolling, guys. Keep it rolling…

Good start last night, gentlemen. It’s nice when the bar goes from a-rockin’ to a-snoozin’, and it’s because the lead is so big everyone bails on a weeknight. I’d like to see that again tonight.

Tonight is a pivotal game. If we can get out of Boston up 2-0, then the thin air and NL rules aren’t as daunting a duo. But if they can squeeze one out, they’ll feel real proud of themselves and have some good momentum going to their home park. Don’t listen to the hype that it’s men-against-boys and that we should win in a walk…letting our guard down is just what they want us to do. Do what you did last night, and get halfway to the goal.

Keep bashing, boys. Let’s stay all on for tonight.

I have come up with a new invention. The invention is this: a targeted, directed car horn. It will allow you to hone in on the person or persons who need to hear your beeps of annoyance and aggravation. This will make them understand that they have done something wrong and have broken the written and/or unwritten rules of the road. They will reflect upon their actions. They will feel shame. Then, with the help of a support network of family, friends, and fellow drivers, they will fix their wayward lives.

The impetus for this invention came tonight, when I was the third car at a red light that turned green. Instead of going at the green, the first car stayed still. Why was that? Because some jagmo in a Windstar had busted the red light in the other direction despite the fact that his line of traffic on the other side of the intersection was at full capacity. Indeed, the box was well and truly blocked.

So to my horn my hand glided, and aloud it rang out across the land. (Where “the land” = “the Alewife/Fresh Pond clustercrunk.”) And I thought, “Ha! I sure showed that guy my discontent at his selfish and inconsiderate actions.” Or girl…could have been a girl. I don’t know, it was dark out.

But then I thought, “Wait…what if the guy at the front of the line thought I was honking at him/her? Then he/she would look in their rearview mirror with exasperated disgust and think something like, ‘hey, jerkface, there’s nowhere for me to go – this minivan is blocking the intersection, jerkface!’” (Apparently, the driver of the first car likes the word “jerkface.”) That would be bad. I don’t want to be thought-of in such negative and redundant terms.

Hence my new invention. That way, not only will the guilty know that I know they’re guilty, so too will the innocent know that they are innocent (or at least not-yet-proven-guilty). This will stop many unnecessary disagreements and inadvertent misunderstandings on the road. A new era in horn-based communication will be heralded in. I will appear on Oprah, the Today Show, and my own infomercial. I will have a conflict and won’t be able to make an appearance on The View. An international prize committee might be knocking at my door within 12 months. I will act humble and surprised by the honor.

Now…I just need someone to find a way to create the practical method for how this directed horn will work. I don’t deal with nuts and bolts…I’m more of an idea man. I’ll keep thinking…someone else just needs to start doing.

Thought leader, indeed.

So, to repeat:

Goatee + Shirt + Harry’s = victory.

Dice was ice…enough. Oki and Paps held it down. Pedroia and Youk exploded in the end. And Kenny Lofton continued to be unlucky for other teams. Good times all around.

The water…she is dirty. We have replaced the white with the blue. Now let’s go for the red. Four more wins, gentlemen. Please, continue in the tradition of Matsuzaka-san and follow his words of wisdom:

“Emotionally, it is on,” Matsuzaka said. “I don’t know if the term switched on is the right term, but I am all on for [tonight].

In-friggin’-deed.

Although, at this point, it’s later tonight. Whatever.

A great starting job by Curt tonight. A piling-on of runs and an early exit for Fausto. A heads-up play by Youks. And, of course, a very nice slump-busy from Mr. Drew. (We always loved that guy in Boston…always.) So now we’re on to Game 7, and it becomes do-or-die for both sides. We have home-field advantage and momentum, but Westbrook has been annoyingly good against us. And Dice-K…well, let’s hope we see the WBC Matsuzaka and not the Game 3 version. It will be very close – all we can do is hope that the Sox can finish the job.

The goatee and the shirt will be at the Harry’s yet again. We’re getting sick of the nachos, but not of the winning. We’ll eat the former and hopefully the Sox will provide the latter. And, lo, it shall be good.

To sum up…more of this:

Thank you.

After a solid Game 5 that featured a dominant starting performance by Beckett, a quality battle from Sabathia, and the re-awakening of the Sox offense…the headline on Yahoo! right now is this:

Red Sox overcome goof: Manny Ramirez’s mental error wasn’t enough to prevent the Red Sox from forcing Game 6 of the ALCS.

Jesus. Never mind the fact that if Manny ran hard out of the box and dug for two, he likely would have been victimized by the right fielder’s arm for the second time in the game (seriously, I don’t think he makes it, no matter how loudly Tim McCarver crows about Ortiz scoring from first on the play). And never mind that the reason he slowed down near first was because he thought the ball was gone and he didn’t need to run. And never mind that it was a home run, so he should have scored on the play. And never mind that Lowell struck out afterwards anyway, so he wouldn’t have scored from third let alone second. None of that matters at all.

What matters is this: the Red Sox had a solid win tonight, brought the series back to Fenway, and shifted the momentum after it looked like Cleveland had taken over for good. Hey, media…let’s report on the game, not on how much you all hate Manny.

Anyway, enough Manny defending. The important equation of the night: goatee + shirt + Harry’s = victory. Oh, and Beckett probably factors in somewhere as well. So as I said, it’s back to Fenway. And now it’s Fausto vs. Schilling on Saturday, so we’ll still need to bring it. Let’s keep the bats awake and remain patient and punishing at the plate. We can definitely do this. It remains most assuredly on.

ESPN.com: Ramirez: Red Sox losing ALCS wouldn’t be ‘end of the world’

See, I don’t get that worked up when the CHB or some other local columnist writes mindless drivel twisting around players’ words, trying to get everyone riled up so the writer can get some attention. But when an AP “news” story is doing it? That’s ridiculous.

So, apparently, as a Boston fan, I’m supposed to have “a real reason to get worked up” because of what Manny said. What did he say that was so awful? “Why should we panic? We’ve got a great team. … It doesn’t happen, so who cares? There’s always next year. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

And…what am I supposed to be upset about? That he’s not freaking out saying that the Red Sox losing would be the worst thing to ever happen in the history of the world? Look, maybe this would have pushed me over the edge four years ago. But the Sox won it all really recently. Do I want them to win it again? Hell yes. Will it be the end of the world if they don’t? Hell no. And if anyone thinks that Manny saying so means that he’s going to not try that hard or do the best he can tonight (and hopefully in two more successful games this series), then you clearly haven’t been paying much attention to baseball for the last 12 years or so.

I really like how the unbiased newswire story then says, “Whatever, that’s Manny. He’s the guy who poses when he hits home runs with his team trailing by five runs.” Too bad Manny didn’t spend some of his time talking to the media addressing the perception that he’s a showboat who only wants to show up other players even when his team is trailing.

Oh, wait…he did.

Go Sox. May visions of the ‘04 ALCS, the ‘03 ALDS, the ‘99 ALDS and the ‘86 ALCS dance in their heads. Win three straight games started by Beckett, Schilling and Dice-K? We’ve done it before. Last round, I believe. So let’s do it again, shall we?

(more…)

You don’t have to have been watching the playoffs recently to have seen one of the many, many ads for ED drugs. ED is the new term for impotence (since I guess people don’t want to be called impotent…it sounds negative.) Apparently a lot of guys have erection problems, so there are a lot of Viagra and Cialis ads around.

Having seen a lot of the ads recently, I’ve been picking up on more details to pay attention to and ponder. Apart from the whole, “why are those two old people flirting in two individual bathtubs on a hillside?” thing, I’ve paid more attention to the long medical/legal disclaimers. One of them is this:

“Use of Cialis (or whatever) does not protect against HIV or AIDS.”

Seriously? You need to say that? I know that lawyers and legal departments over-worry and add more than necessary to cover the asses of the companies advertising the medicine. But…who are the idiots who think that, just because a pill can help you get a boner, it will stop that boner from catching a deadly disease? I guess the thought is that someone out there is thinking, “Oh, well since I wouldn’t be able to get it up otherwise, this must stop me from getting something awful once it is up.” Really? Have people become that dumb?

Maybe they have. To those people for whom that was written, please remember this: if any of these pills could stop you from getting AIDS, it would not be advertised as boner pills. They would be advertised as the pill that will stop you from getting AIDS.

Idiots.