SleepingPoliceman

So it’s not as good as our previous adventures following the hint of soon-to-be-exterminated teams. But tonight I set off on the next great baseball road trip.

Well, considering that we’re going to Cincinnati (WKRP) and Pittsburgh…maybe it’s not that great. Nevertheless, it’ll be two more ballparks off the ol’ checklist. Assuming the successful completion of this trip, I will be sitting comfortably at the halfway point: 15 active fields down, 15 to go.

Then again, the new D.C. ballpark will open in April, skewing my numbers back to below .500. I might have to organize a trip to the capital. Then there’s the inevitable southeast expedition for Florida, Tampa Bay and Atlanta. The southwest trip that to get the three SoCal teams plus the D’backs. And then…

And then Lisa’s head explodes with bordeom and annoyance. On the plus side, she can come back and read this during the weekend in case she makes the mistake of wishing she was going with me.

Anyway, time for the too huge world to be vaulting us. Have a good weekend, folks.

This afternoon, on my way back from a delightful breakfast in the best booth at Zaftigs, I picked up a light denim jacket that was on sale at the Gap. (I know, I know…I feel dirty.)

This jacket was one of those Project Red dealies, where part of the proceeds go to help Bono save Africans. Which, you know, I’m in favor of. But since the jacket was on sale (twenty bucks instead of something ridiculous like sixty), does that mean less Africans get saved?

Answer: yes. At least according to the lady at the register. So the Gap will still take its full profits, and then skim off whatever is left and throw it towards AIDS babies. Nice. Glad I could help.

Of course, maybe the Saturday afternoon employee doesn’t know the full intricacies of the company’s (red) policy. Maybe she was just hoping to use my liberal guilt to sell me a $30 t-shirt too. I don’t know. But I do know that, if I had really wanted to help, I should have listened to the Buy (Less) people and just donated directly. In fact, I might just take the money I saved by buying the jacket on sale and cut a check for The Global Fund right now.

(Note: I won’t really do that. Instead I’ll use that money to help me pay for the car repairs I needed to have done last week. Then I’ll wear my new jacket while I drive that car around, sucking up petroleum resources and polluting the air. I’m also going to start littering out the window, kicking sick kids and voting Republican. But, you know, I could have written that check. So there.)

Is it just me, or does this baby in a bunny suit look like the evil super-villain in a really messed up movie? Or, at the very least, he kind of looks like a South Park character come to life.

“That’s right, Mr. Bond. You are too late to stop my super-laser now. Mwa-ha-ha! Fight and struggle. Fight and struggle!”

(In case you were wondering, this freaky dude is from this product on Amazon. And if you are further wondering why I’m looking at baby bunny costumes on Amazon, it’s because my Yahoo sign-out screen had a headline for a “news story” about baby Yoda costumes. And if you think I won’t click on a story about baby Yoda costumes, we must have never met before.)

FOXBOROUGH, Mass — Immediately following the New England Patriots’ decisive victory over the San Diego Chargers Sunday night, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced further sanctions against the team.

“The playing field needs to be level”, said the commissioner in a prepared statement. “I have received countless calls from coaches and players alike, and they are all deeply concerned. It is my hope to put those fears to rest.”

To that end, Goodell has announced that the Patriots must comply with the following for the remainder of the 2007 season and the foreseeable future:

1. Tom Brady will be forced to play with his right arm tied behind his back.
2. Randy Moss will have his left foot cut off, just below the ankle. His jersey will now read “STUMPY”
3. Tom’s son, Jack, will be held in an undisclosed location by the opposing team for the duration of the game.
4. The Patriots offense will be no longer allowed to wear padding of any kind.
5. Coaches for both teams will be forced to control the game from inside a cardboard box to prevent stealing signals. Eye holes will be allowed, otherwise the box must be completely sealed. I’d recommend an old refrigerator box.
6. The Patriots defense is not allowed to touch any member of the opposing team. Nor are they allowed to touch the football at any time.
7. Coach Belichick will no longer be allowed to wear his signature hoodie on the sidelines. He must now wear a suit on game day.
8. No one affiliated with the Patriots, be it coaches, players, or even fans, will be allowed within a five mile radius of the stadium at any time during one of their games.

Coach Belichick has agreed to comply with all of commissioner Goodell’s rules, though he was noticeably distressed at the notion of having to wear a suit. Otherwise, Belichick seemed unfazed during his usual press conference.

“Anyone have any questions about the Bills this Sunday?” he asked, smiling.

/jz

You know, I had this playlist down and done right as the month turned over. But then I got distracted and I guess I never posted it. Now it looks like I dilly-dallied, and half-assed something together a third of the way into the next month. All I can say is that such suppositions aren’t true. I know you have no reason to believe me. Except for, you know, my inherent rightness about pretty much everything.

This post already makes no sense. Here’s the mix:

Banana Pajamas (WPTM August 2007)

01. Battle Flag – Lo Fidelity Allstars
02. The Voyeur (I Like To Watch) – Fish
03. The W.A.N.D. – The Flaming Lips
04. Ooh La – The Kooks
05. Island Of The Honest Man – Hot Hot Heat
06. Accidents Will Happen – Elvis Costello
07. Enid – Barenaked Ladies
08. Hospital Beds – Cold War Kids
09. Hush – Deep Purple
10. You Know My Name (Look Up The Number) – The Beatles
11. Prelude/Angry Young Man (live) – Billy Joel
12. Toxic (live) – Marillion
13. Stay Still – Aberdeen City
14. Run-Away – Super Furry Animals
15. Beginning To Wonder – The Sad Song Co.
16. Optimistic – Radiohead
17. Superstar (live) – Weezer
18. Time Is Running Out – Muse

You know the drill.

Assuming that Shia LaBeouf wasn’t just telling a lame joke that didn’t make anyone laugh, the title for the fourth Indy movie was announced tonight. (Or at least was broadcast tonight…when do they do the show, anyway? Is it still live? I don’t know anything anymore.) Anyway, the title:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Well. I see. I’m going to agree with Rob’s reaction and say, “Huh. Well, Attack Of The Clones sounded weird to me too at the time.” (Note: for those people out there that hated the prequels and are desperately afraid that Indy IV will be as bad as they were, this will not be an encouraging reaction.)

My main concern with it is this: it sounds a lot more like Temple of Doom than anything else. And I think we all know that Doom, while having some awesome banter and set pieces, is the weakest of the trilogy. (If you disagree, you’re wrong. Seriously, flat out wrong. Don’t bother arguing. Your arguments will go unheeded. La la la la la la la la.) And the reason it was the weakest of the trilogy? They strayed away from the basic plot of, “adventurous archaeologist searches for items from Judeo-Christian mythology while fighting the Nazis.” Instead, the plot seemed to be more, “adventurous archaeologist, unnecessary sidekick and an annoying woman search for magic potato rocks while fighting weird foreign brown people.” (Hey, I love the movies, but they do basically classify all the people in India as weird foreign brown people.)

So now we have a title that talks about a crystal skull…now, I might have to re-read Deuteronomy, but I don’t think that’s Biblical. And we know Mr. Shaker Heights is going to be Indiana’s sidekick, and that any sidekick can be annoying. And we further know that the movie is set in the 1950’s, so the Nazi angle is likely out the window. So let’s just say that, while I will be there on opening day, I’m expecting this to be more Doom and less Crusade. Let’s hope it’s not too much worse than Doom.

And now I want to hear no more spoilers about it. They, too, will go unheeded. La la la la la la la la.

edit: and to blatantly discuss disposable pop culture, Britney looked all right tonight body-wise, but awful performance-wise. Sure, she was lip-synching…but she did it as if she had only heard the song once before. And danced as if she was getting instructions through her Time-Life microphone.

As for even more disposable pop culture, I now think Lacey might take it all the way home. And, I’m not gonna lie…that doesn’t turn me on.

My schedule for tomorrow:

9am: wake up in historic Hawthorne Hotel in scenic Salem, MA

9:30am: wake up for real after hitting snooze three times

10am: after a half hour of cartoons or sports highlights (depending on how the Sox do tonight), start getting dressed

11am: attend Wedding #1 in a church in Salem that is really old, looks like a protestant church, has an ivory statue of the baby Mary, is sacred, and does not care what the priest says about how a wedding ceremony should be run

12pm: relocate to Reception #1

12:30pm: watch entrance & first dance; listen to speeches (silently compare to the one I gave in May); eat first course; mild dancing

2:30pm: go back to historic hotel and get in car.

2:45pm: start drive across the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

6pm: end drive at site of Wedding #2 in Lenox, MA.

7pm: relocate to Reception #2 at historic The Mount. (Edith Wharton was nice enough to let them use it.)

7:30pm: another entrance, another first dance, another speech, more comparisons, more food, more mild dancing.

11pm: leave for second cross-Commonwealth drive of the day.

2am: Arrive back at historic Hawthorne Hotel

2:01am: Sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep.

Should be a fun time. Best wishes to all four in the couples. I’ll just have to make sure I don’t tell them that the best part might be the napping on Sunday.

I’ll have to take care of the Apple posts for now.

boston.com: Apple cuts price on top iPhone, angering some early buyers

And by “some early buyers,” they mean jz. What have we learned, kids? It never pays to be an early adopter. You just get screwed when things quickly become cheaper and better made.

What no one’s talking about is the dramatic price drop in the 80 GB iPods. Just $249, when it used to be $349. Actually, I think it was $499 at one point. Whatever. I got a 60 GB used (sorry, “refreshed”) for like $180 and thought I got a deal. Still a deal, but not as much as before.

And of course there’s an iPod that is the same design as the iPhone. 8 GB iPod Touch: $299. So for the extra fifty bucks, you get a touch screen, wireless access at Starbucks, and a tenth of the memory. Whatever, man…maybe I’m a throwback, but I just want an iPod that allows me to carry a shedload of music with me. Give me the iPod Classic anyday.

(Seriously, though…give one to me. Any and all gifts are always welcome.)

Much of my holiday weekend was spent working on the current home improvement project: renovating our kitchen. And by “working on,” I mean, “standing around and handing things to more competent people who did all the work.” My lack of active participation did not dissuade me from complaining about the task at hand, or from continually commenting on the disarray the project has left the apartment. Because I’m a dick.

Anyway, this picture pretty much sums up how the weekend went:

You can even see the computer with which this post is being written. Cosmic.

fake edit: we also had a birthday dinner for Brian and Carmen. So…happy birthday, you guys. Way to be old. Real old.

I’m assuming that you, dear reader, are aware of the show Little People, Big World. It chronicles the life and times of a family of little people. Well, they aren’t all little people…one of the kids isn’t a dwarf. Or maybe two. I don’t know. The point is, you’ve probably seen it and watched it for at least a few minutes, if for no other reason than because you stumbled upon it and said, “Hey, look…midgets!” (Don’t deny your ignorant and hurtful mental word choices.)

Anyway, given that you’ve seen the show, you also might have talked about it at some point with me. Because, you know, I’ve spent my fair share of time hanging with the Roloffs. Passively, anyway. And when said conversations have happened, I likely regaled you with a story. The story goes a little something like this:

“I know that almost every episode makes the dad look like a total idiot at best and a selfish prick at worst. But I saw the premiere episode a long time ago, and the mother was a total bitch to him. He bought her the nice new convertible that she had been whining about for years, and she never even thanks him for it. She just hops in and drives away, barely acknowledging his existence. She was awful, and she deserves it when he acts like an idiot.”

Or something like that. Basically, I tore down Mrs. Roloff and declared any wrong done to her by her husband to be totally justified because of an earlier incident. Karma’s a bitch, right?

Well…tonight, after watching a way-too-eventful Sox game and many hours of the greatest show currently on television, I stumbled upon the episode that has the aforementioned storyline, with the uncaring wife and the giving husband and the VW Bug convertible.

And…it’s not an episode of Little People, Big World. It’s a stand-alone special called Dwarf Family: Meet the Fooses. In other words…I got my little peoples mixed up, and have been unfairly and unjustly maligning Mrs. Roloff to any and all acquaintances who deign bring up her reality TV family.

So I apologize to you, Mrs. Roloff. You do not deserve that crazy and insensitive husband of yours. I hope you forgive me and my inability to differentiate between dwarf families. I am so ashamed.