SleepingPoliceman

You don’t have to have been watching the playoffs recently to have seen one of the many, many ads for ED drugs. ED is the new term for impotence (since I guess people don’t want to be called impotent…it sounds negative.) Apparently a lot of guys have erection problems, so there are a lot of Viagra and Cialis ads around.

Having seen a lot of the ads recently, I’ve been picking up on more details to pay attention to and ponder. Apart from the whole, “why are those two old people flirting in two individual bathtubs on a hillside?” thing, I’ve paid more attention to the long medical/legal disclaimers. One of them is this:

“Use of Cialis (or whatever) does not protect against HIV or AIDS.”

Seriously? You need to say that? I know that lawyers and legal departments over-worry and add more than necessary to cover the asses of the companies advertising the medicine. But…who are the idiots who think that, just because a pill can help you get a boner, it will stop that boner from catching a deadly disease? I guess the thought is that someone out there is thinking, “Oh, well since I wouldn’t be able to get it up otherwise, this must stop me from getting something awful once it is up.” Really? Have people become that dumb?

Maybe they have. To those people for whom that was written, please remember this: if any of these pills could stop you from getting AIDS, it would not be advertised as boner pills. They would be advertised as the pill that will stop you from getting AIDS.

Idiots.

Assuming that Shia LaBeouf wasn’t just telling a lame joke that didn’t make anyone laugh, the title for the fourth Indy movie was announced tonight. (Or at least was broadcast tonight…when do they do the show, anyway? Is it still live? I don’t know anything anymore.) Anyway, the title:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Well. I see. I’m going to agree with Rob’s reaction and say, “Huh. Well, Attack Of The Clones sounded weird to me too at the time.” (Note: for those people out there that hated the prequels and are desperately afraid that Indy IV will be as bad as they were, this will not be an encouraging reaction.)

My main concern with it is this: it sounds a lot more like Temple of Doom than anything else. And I think we all know that Doom, while having some awesome banter and set pieces, is the weakest of the trilogy. (If you disagree, you’re wrong. Seriously, flat out wrong. Don’t bother arguing. Your arguments will go unheeded. La la la la la la la la.) And the reason it was the weakest of the trilogy? They strayed away from the basic plot of, “adventurous archaeologist searches for items from Judeo-Christian mythology while fighting the Nazis.” Instead, the plot seemed to be more, “adventurous archaeologist, unnecessary sidekick and an annoying woman search for magic potato rocks while fighting weird foreign brown people.” (Hey, I love the movies, but they do basically classify all the people in India as weird foreign brown people.)

So now we have a title that talks about a crystal skull…now, I might have to re-read Deuteronomy, but I don’t think that’s Biblical. And we know Mr. Shaker Heights is going to be Indiana’s sidekick, and that any sidekick can be annoying. And we further know that the movie is set in the 1950’s, so the Nazi angle is likely out the window. So let’s just say that, while I will be there on opening day, I’m expecting this to be more Doom and less Crusade. Let’s hope it’s not too much worse than Doom.

And now I want to hear no more spoilers about it. They, too, will go unheeded. La la la la la la la la.

edit: and to blatantly discuss disposable pop culture, Britney looked all right tonight body-wise, but awful performance-wise. Sure, she was lip-synching…but she did it as if she had only heard the song once before. And danced as if she was getting instructions through her Time-Life microphone.

As for even more disposable pop culture, I now think Lacey might take it all the way home. And, I’m not gonna lie…that doesn’t turn me on.

I’m assuming that you, dear reader, are aware of the show Little People, Big World. It chronicles the life and times of a family of little people. Well, they aren’t all little people…one of the kids isn’t a dwarf. Or maybe two. I don’t know. The point is, you’ve probably seen it and watched it for at least a few minutes, if for no other reason than because you stumbled upon it and said, “Hey, look…midgets!” (Don’t deny your ignorant and hurtful mental word choices.)

Anyway, given that you’ve seen the show, you also might have talked about it at some point with me. Because, you know, I’ve spent my fair share of time hanging with the Roloffs. Passively, anyway. And when said conversations have happened, I likely regaled you with a story. The story goes a little something like this:

“I know that almost every episode makes the dad look like a total idiot at best and a selfish prick at worst. But I saw the premiere episode a long time ago, and the mother was a total bitch to him. He bought her the nice new convertible that she had been whining about for years, and she never even thanks him for it. She just hops in and drives away, barely acknowledging his existence. She was awful, and she deserves it when he acts like an idiot.”

Or something like that. Basically, I tore down Mrs. Roloff and declared any wrong done to her by her husband to be totally justified because of an earlier incident. Karma’s a bitch, right?

Well…tonight, after watching a way-too-eventful Sox game and many hours of the greatest show currently on television, I stumbled upon the episode that has the aforementioned storyline, with the uncaring wife and the giving husband and the VW Bug convertible.

And…it’s not an episode of Little People, Big World. It’s a stand-alone special called Dwarf Family: Meet the Fooses. In other words…I got my little peoples mixed up, and have been unfairly and unjustly maligning Mrs. Roloff to any and all acquaintances who deign bring up her reality TV family.

So I apologize to you, Mrs. Roloff. You do not deserve that crazy and insensitive husband of yours. I hope you forgive me and my inability to differentiate between dwarf families. I am so ashamed.

CNN: Hulk Hogan’s son seriously injured in car wreck

Clearly, like any auto accident, this is a horrible thing, and I hope both Nick and his friend come out OK.

That being said…there’s a few nuggets of gold in here. First of all, will this be covered on a “very special episode” of the Hulk Hogan reality show? Can we maybe see the Hulkster cry? And, even if cameras weren’t rolling while this was going on, will this lead to them rejiggering the opening credits so as to not show a half-animated version of Nick speeding home past other cars?

Furthermore, I wonder if it’s cool or annoying that you are not known by your actual last name, but the fake performer last name of your father’s wrestling persona.

Finally, there’s the police spokesman:

The car “inexplicably left the roadway,” jumped a median and crashed into a palm tree just east of downtown … “It was a spectacular wreck,” Shelor said.

I know the police spokesman didn’t mean for this to sound like, “OMG, it was totly farkin sweet!!111″…but it still kinda does.

fake edit: if you think the second paragraph of this post means that I’ve religiously watched the last two episodes of Hogan Knows Best…well, you’re right. But it comes on right after the best show on TV right now, Rock Of Love. After an hour of pure unadulterated greatness, how can you even think about changing the channel? What can I do? And by that I mean…what’s-uh goinnnn’ AWN?

Right, so I know that some of you don’t care about this show, and that others of you do care but are catching up on DVD and don’t want to talk about the season finale. So I apologize for taking up more bandwidth talking about the show, and invite anyone in the two aforementioned groups to stop reading this post…now.

We’re going to do a little double perspective thing about the finale. First is jz’s take, and then my response to that. This was an email exchange we had this morning. I’m posting his words without his permission. I’m a jerk with no sense of netiquette.

Emails after the jump…warning, there be SPOILERS ahead.

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Sopranos chatter…some SPOILERS if you haven’t seen the finale.

That’s right…I said SPOILERS.

jz sent me a mild spoiler via email during the episode. Then he apologized in case I hadn’t seen it. I said, “Of course I fucking watched it. Who do you think I am?”

I was way down. I liked the ending. This is what his life will be like…constant tension, constant alertness, constant stress. Is that guy at the counter going to come out of the bathroom with a gun? Are the two black guys going to jump him? Who’s coming through the door: his daughter, a hitman…or a nobody?

“You don’t know who I am, do you?” That was clearly going to be with Livia when they originally designed it, back when the series was only going to be three seasons long. That would have been a great bookend. At least we had the cat closing out the whole duck thing.

I liked it.

Public reaction will be negative. I’m thinking it will have a Seinfeld-like fallout. But I liked that finale too, so whatever.

I can’t believe it’s over. It’s been a long time since college when I started watching it four episodes at a time on VHS tapes. After the final episode was over, I called my mom. I told her that she called me right after the first episode aired for the first time, and she told me I had to start watching this new show, that it was really great. I didn’t believe her. Well, she was right on this one. I gave her kudos.

It was well deserved.

So…when do they announce they’re making a movie?

edit: Holy crap, Lisa’s brother just sent over a really interesting theory that he read online somewhere. It was that the reason the screen cut to black and there was total silence lies in the conversation that he had with Bobby B. in the first episode of this final run of episodes: “You never hear the one that gets you.” Is that really how it ended? Are we supposed to just decide for ourselves? No easy answers, not even in the end. You magnificent bastards.

For anyone looking for something to watch before tonight’s Sox game at 10:00 pm, might I recommend the all-new episode of Ghost Hunters on the SciFi channel at 9:00 pm. It’s good stuff.

Anyone wanting to catch up, iTunes has a free download of the Best of Ghost Hunters, Vol. 1 [link opens in iTunes].

SciFi even has two older episodes from 7:00 – 9:00 pm if you really want to get crazy.

All time top 3 most randomly gruesome, graphic and difficult to watch scenes on The Sopranos, in descending order:

1. Dr. Melfi being raped in the stairwell of her parking garage. Ugh.

2. That time that one random dude hung himself, and they showed him twitching and flailing for a solid minute and a half.

3. The thing in the pool from tonight’s episode.

Additions / substitutions?

I haven’t spent as much time as I probably should have talking about The Sopranos, since it’s closing up shop soon and it is the last remaining show that I allow to be “appointment TV” for myself. Great posts about the show can be found on my friend Craig’s MySpace blog, including a discussion of the most recent episode. If you haven’t seen it and you are following the show at all (especially if you are a few seasons behind, Meserve), then don’t read it or what follows in this post. You don’t want to know.

Anyway, in lieu of original content, I’m reposting the comment I left on Craig’s blog. Because, you know, my words are so awesome they should be unleashed on the internet twice over.

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Despite the upswing in quality over the past decade, it’s still genereally a bad idea to look towards network TV for entertainment as high art. Especially when the art involved is improv comedy. Television and straight improv don’t go together very well. Attempts to do long-form (such as the Assssscat show on Bravo) fall flat as the slow build up tests the medium’s patience and the moments of magic become buried in camera cuts. And short form shows like Who’s Line Is It Anyway? usually spend more time pandering for easy jokes than playing intelligently.

So when I saw the ads for the new NBC show Thank God You’re Here, I figured it would be mediocre. Actually, I figured it would suck. Nevertheless, I watched it last night. And I’m surprised to say that it is, in fact, even worse than I thought it would be. Horribly worse. Discussion after the jump.

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